My story

WARNING!!! - This has explicit content and is not meant for a child. Please do not read this aloud of in the sight of a child. 

Dear reader, I have a desire to tell you what happened to me.  First off, I am not someone to fear or anything like that. I don't have hidden agendas and am not trying to gather anyone for a rebellion, not trying to hook up with anyone because I'm married and I love my wife. I have had a struggle with sexual desires and sexual behaviors that are very shameful to speak of. Things in my history, things that I did...and I hold no special credential to make you believe anything what I'm about to say. I am also a critic and skeptic and also challenge other beliefs as I'm sure you might do too. Too many manipulators, too many wolves in sheep's clothing have made me more and more watchful and careful to check what others are telling me and have told me. 

When I was a little boy, I found my first sexual experience with a neighborhood girl and kept it a shameful secret my whole life. This led to a life long habit of masturbation, pornography. I was taught in pornography that women are nothing more than just cheap sex and worth only that. I was dead wrong but I didn't know it then. I only thought of my own penis and when I was going to get the next sexual experience. In school, even in elementary school, I view all female teachers and all female students and sex objects. Something that would only give me pleasure and had this obsession. It was very powerful and caused me to ask for sexual favors to other children. I had sexual experiences as a child. No, I am not telling you these things to entice you. If I were, God knows, and I would be doing you a huge harm to come off as if I'm telling you my life, but inwardly preying on you to make you enticed and that, I recognize, is a great evil so it is with caution and warning that I approach you and be upfront about this with you. 

My goal is not to tell you every single sexual experience I had, because I realize I can go on and bring too much attention and actually be feeding a desire for me, the writer, and you, the reader, to keep watching by reading a porn novel and that is not my goal, not my intent and aim. I am very aware of this. 

Fast forward to my adult hood, porn was not my only deviant sexual behavior, I sadly admit. I truly am sad when i say this but I was doing more things. I was paying for sexual services and that is all I will say on that. I spend lots of money, had lots of STD/HIV testing frequently because every little mark on my body made me paranoid if I had contracted some sexual disease. No more details, I feel, should be shared on this. It's not worth it and digging into my past, causes me to remember shameful and evil and wickedness and I am already healing and have been healed from this so I don't wish to entertain it, I don't wish to share graphic details and I don't wish to tell you because I know how the mind works. A person can imagine sick things that are not even spoke of, so why would I even spark a morbid interest. So what am I doing then? Exposing my evil inside, in order to call it whatever it is, and define it by a standard that I know to be true and faithful. 

This leads me to believe in God, specifically, not just any 'god', or master, but the One who created all things, who has all power. The One that Jesus reveals. 

Now you might think I have now become a missionary to try to convert you to my particular denomination of Christianity. You might think, "Oh no, another person to tell me about God, here we go". Well, let me tell you my story and you can judge for yourself about me, my true character, my God, how I believe and everything. I'm not going to keep it hidden from you now. I'm gonna speak very simple and plainly to you. 


When I was separated from my family, in my despair, in my deep broken, addicted, state of myself, I heard that God has power to raise the dead, and I understanding that to mean not only my physical body but my spiritual one. I cried out to God and confessed all my hatred, and anger and sins, and believed that if God was for me, for the evil sinful man I was, and still wanted me back, and wanted to forgive me, then I wanted this hope and I remembered that God did love me still, even after all I did, and remembered that Jesus Christ died on the cross for all of my sins, and I said, Lord, please help me, I want to believe in You. I felt like Jesus loving me and dying and suffering for me, so I was so happy that God did that for me, and I prayed for God to save me, help me, and heal me, and make me into whatever He wanted me to be. 

God started to change me. God helped me. 

What do I mean that God is helping me. God is helping not only fix the external issues of no more porn, no more masturbation, no more paying for sexual services, but God has helped me to stop lusting after a women and to treat her right now. 

Women do not want to be treated like sexual objects as porn tells us men. It's a lie. I countered the lie with the truth. The truth is Jesus Christ loves the men and women involved in prostitution and died for their sins, in order for them to see the error of their ways, to repent and believe in God, so that after they have searched for God, and found God, God would start to work in them and change them as God is changing me. Things like this God is helping me see again. God is helping me think again. 


Jesus not only warns of the consequences of our sins, but provides the Holy Spirit and the spiritual rebirth that everyone needs and promises us that if we stay with Him, we can do anything, and all things are possible. Jesus said that if we just clean the outside of the cup, but not the inside, then we are only putting on a show, being a hypocrite and not even dealing with the root issue, which is a rebellious, prideful, perverted heart, that is God hating, self-worshipping and will not submit to God because of our natural flesh desires and the spiritual desires are contrary. Jesus teaches us and provide the way to live in the spirit, to produce good spiritual fruits, because we are not grafted spiritually in the vine as we are part of His branches. 

It is my pleasure to talk about Jesus and to share what Jesus offers and what Jesus can do for you too. It is not my aim to debate. It is not my aim to "look down on others". It is not my aim to "have all the right answers to make you look dumb". It is my aim to expose the lies of Satan and how he deceives and try to manipulate man into thinking that "man is able to fix himself without God" and lies that "you are able to become a god" and lies that tell you that "God is not real, the Bible is false and all Christians are just out there for your money, control" and more and more lies like this. 

Are there wolves in sheeps clothing? definately. Matthew 7 Jesus told us to watch out for them. 

Are all people who go to church "Christians"? No, some are there for wrong reasons like "I have to" and "I really dont' want to be here" and "visitors" or "something else"

If you sincerely seek God, talk to God by praying, and ask God the deep questions, while reading  your Bible, God will speak to you. 

If you are wondering about who you really are and want to know? Let God define you, shape you, create you into a new person, by His power, not your own and not your own way or your own understanding, give up your way, for God's. 

God is not out there to trick you. The devil is. God is our Heavenly Father. God is Jesus Christ. God is the Holy Spirit. Three in One. 

Look at what Jesus teaches, when examine everything for yourself. Don't simply read this or believe in man, because if we are true, we are only trying to point you to Jesus Christ and let Him help you. Glory to God. Glory to Jesus.